the crimson and the blue.

Sunday, January 29, 2006

sick

and so, i was sick today. again, on a festive day.

was sick on christmas in thailand, and then now on cny. didnt enjoy myself so much because couldn't enjoy the food. everything was pretty much tasteless.

ahhh, why do i never get to enjoy the special days?

what's up next? valentine's day? maybe i'll just pretend to be optimistic and say that i'll be perfectly healthy, and even have a date. but what are the chances man? heard from edmund the v-day week is the week the A's results will be released. i've got a bigger chance of being dead than anything else. no, no. have faith koon, have faith.

and so, no more visitations to go to this year. had two days last year, and only one this year since someone died. ehh, invite me to your house somebody. please.. for the goodies and the ang pows. i promise not to puke in your house. :)

Saturday, January 28, 2006

how do i go there?

realized i have kinda forgotten how to get there already. what used to be so simple is now almost unfathomable. like the gift is for others, but not for me.

maybe it is the way my life is going that has made me lost sight of the way. or merely complaceny and slothiness. the urge to go there isn't even strong anymore. why? i really miss that kind of living a lot. am i cast out forever?

at the same time, thinking of what i have been taught, it is ridiculous to think that anything can actually close the door to this passageway. but it just doesnt feel that way right now.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

an awkward embrace.

hey guys, tell you something really interesting that happened today.

at around 8.40pm, i was at the fareast bus stop waiting for the bus, when this group of 3 youths walked by, and stood near to me. there was a boy from a certain prestigious college with language confusion, a girl from a new college which claims to be the first, and this boy who was in home clothes, void of association to any organization.

so they were standing around, waiting for the bus as all of us there do. then the girl's bus came, and she had to leave. so she gave both guys a goodbye hug. but due to some reason, the bus did not stop, and the call didnt leave, and so the girl didn't leave either.

and the three of them were there, when this other boy(the one who wasn't in uniform) had to leave. so due to the precedence of the girl's goodbye hug, the guy had to do something didnt he? well, guess what?

THE GUYS HUGGED EACH OTHER. before proceeding on to give the girl a hug.

HAHAHAAAHAHAHAHA.

and that's all brought to you by papakoonzi. thank you.

will you?

thought about A's when the bus passed by cj today. weeks later, i cannot sit on the bus and watch as the school gates drift by. one day i'll have to get off the bus, walk through those gates again, and face what i'm getting in return for what i've put in the past years.

and i'm dreading it. the crushing feeling of losing any hope i have in my future just leaves me feeling, well.. crushed.

i wonder if i should extend. supposed to tell siti tmr, but i think i'll need a few more days. it is a rather slack job with ok money, though i've gotten lots more money from other jobs before. but the money i get for the amount of work i actually have to do is pretty worth it actually. it is just the weekends problem, which siti promises me that i will not have to do weekend shifts. need to, need to start talking to more ppl at work. my rival promoters, coz this can get dreary if i dont have anybody to crap with.

and i am beginning to love walking over to borders for a quick read during my break. especially since i'm trying to eat less now.

thanks here to mr soong who came all the way down to town from wherever he was. finally got my t-shirt so my mum will stop nagging. the t-shirt's really ugly by the way, with an ugly drawing on it, like a child's scrawling. but i like it. hahaa.

and i went up the wrong escalator at wheelock today. you know why? i saw someone coming down from it, and naturally assumed the escalator to be the link between the floor above and this, and so just naturally went to it. how foolish, when i am headed upwards.

and just a few minutes ago, i was thinking about some thing again.

will you ever forgive me?

Monday, January 23, 2006

secretpost.

just a heads up to a site i like. interesting postcard this, i love the poem part. pick of the week!
















from http://postsecret.blogspot.com/



and another..

(will i get into trouble with copyrights for this?)

wanderlust

work was good. when sales are good, work is good. when sales is bad, work is bad.

anyways, finally sat down and had lunch by myself today. quite an interesting experience i must say. time to myself in the midst of a public eye. it's something i've always wanted to do, yet do not dare to. next up, shopping by myself. highly likely since most friends are all busy at work, and i have to go for lunch breaks without any colleagues.

and seeing all those tourists around and all, a sense of wanderlust was evoked in me. to be somewhere else and be a face without a name, and be a name without a face over here is fascinating me. the possibilities are endless when you are starting out somewhere totally new, some place where you are not commited to stay on. endless arrays of new and interesting cultures are up for show, why be a domesticated animal and stay here in singapore? caged by social and legal obligations, life over here really does not seem as bright as anywhere else.

but if i were to be there for long, the social and legal obligations would catch up too. so maybe i should be a backpacker, and be on the road all the time. intriguing to think about, but the step to make it into reality is hard, and nearly impossible.

maybe someday, maybe one day. till then, u guys will have to bear with my presence here! :)


(i edited this post because the engrish was lousy. my engrish is getting rousy. needs help man. by the time i got to unibercity, i maybe cannot say any engrish oredi. zhen mo ban huh?)

Sunday, January 22, 2006

the twenty-second of january.

great day! thank God that i had an off-day today. was able to be at both breakthrough jamming and paradox. havent played guitar for so long.. losing touch. and my fingers were white from the skin peeling, resembling mouldy fingers.

got half of my cny clothes already, now just lacking the top. ehhh.. damn! cny is actually 2 days, and i havent got shoes. but i hate shopping. i wonder why i seem to get disinterested in clothes when i have to get them. thanks for all the ppl who had the patience to shop with me.

one more week of work, wondering if i should extend my contract. but since my sales figure aint so outstanding, perhaps they will not even offer to extend, and i wont even have a dilemma. i realized that i havent been asking God for directions for a very long time, and now is perhaps the time to.


I lie down and blind myself with laughter
Well, a quick fix of hope is what I'm needing
And how I wish that I could turn back the Years
But I know I just don't have the power

Could it be any harder to say goodbye and without you,
Could it be any harder to watch you go, to face what's true
If I only had one more day

Thursday, January 19, 2006

never give up on me.

had training for my new job yesterday. well, one day only la. met new ppl again, glad for that. :) and had to undergo a third interview today. stupid policies.

and then met eric for dinner, shopping and stuff. had great talks with him again, and fooled around the city hall area a lot. also enquired about amps and all. something that needs to be done, done.

today, did that "interview" thing, which wasn't an interview at all. then met jx in town, walked a bit, then over to city hall to meet tim, cheok and mel. penin again, talked to the g77 ppl a bit, and then over to suntec to collect my paycheck from december, and bought work clothes. then to the worship thing at night, which i busied myself drawing silly stuff, but still, experienced a special touch from God.

now, i need to do up a to-do list.

1. Get new year clothes
2. Make sure i do not have to work so much that i have no time for my ministry
3. Spend more time on my guitar
4. Finish up my amps proposal
5. Do what i say i would on my to-do list



and i'm surprised You'd still call me into Your inner courts when all i've been doing is run away. indeed, You love me, always.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

sacked.

so i went back to work today, and found out that i did get sacked because of not wanting to work weekends. well, what can i say. its not me to work 12 hours a day, 7 days a week. i have a life beyond earning smelly money. shan't say much about the company.. hope the new temps can survive there, and don't get sacked for reasons as silly as this.

heres a thanks to the ppl like sa'ada, who is nice but always caught in the middle between us and jacq, victoria, whom i just learnt is my senior, lydia, who thinks my name really is nicholas, qingyou, whom i just realized is from my school(!) and always helps with my workload, and samantha, who is sadly still stuck there.


and a grand new job tomorrow! one week, but it's cool. top secret job though. hahaha.

faded intentions

somehow, the lure isn't there anymore. what used to be an incentive now looks more like a burden, and maybe i just don't want it anymore.

anyhows, work's taken a different climate recently. joshua's been sacked, and lynette's probably gonna get the agent to get her reassigned to a new job in a few days. mostly because cannot work saturdays, and late till weekdays. i don't have quite an issue about those working hours too, and i may be the next to go too. i hate the way our boss treats us, going to our agent when they have any problems with us instead of coming to us. well, i am not working very hard to stay employed, it aint worth it. underpaid, overworked and for a lousy boss, it's not worth it.

but work's being more fun now. we've decided to take our full one hour break, even if the office is busy, since they say they will deduct the full one hour even if we stay in during break. and it's pretty fun when we temps and young people all just come into my cubicle to slack and talk cock and try to poison each other. now i found out there are actually 3 ex-cj ppl in the office. funny huh.

in any case, i do not love the company i work in. their staffs are hardworking and a conscientious lot, but overworked because of an inefficient system. also, lets just say if i were a consumer, i wouldnt want to use this company's service.

so i have 4 more days of work to go, thurs night to church for worship learning session, saturday for recce, guitar lesson, maybe pubbing or scouting for amp, or cny shopping, sunday for church, and then either jamming or shopping. life is blander than school life. and especially so when you are broke and ur previous employer haven't paid you. now, i won't be joking if i said i'm broke. been praying for that pay to come in. God, please just do this, won't You?


ahhh.

Sunday, January 15, 2006

holy hands.

worship was very personal for me today. lots of doubt, insufficiency and pain were healed through the words of songs, and of course, God's spirit which was in that place.

recently, i've been thinking about holiness. i know the way i lead my life aint filthy, but it is far from holy too. i don't do theft, drugs, pornography and all, but it is the little sins everyday that kills me so. like cursing the stupid people who always bump into me in crowded places, or secretly despising others, or joining in gossips about others, or this, or that. there are so many things that seem so little and insignificant, but it is really what separates those who are really living for God, and those who are not. loving God and others like Jesus loves us.

neither can i say i have been living a God-centred live. this is my first public admission that since after my A's, i have not been putting God on the top spot in my priority list. i know it is very disappointing if any of my leaders come and read this, since being in the positioni am, there are certain expectations. but this is true. yes, koon used to say in cg and all that the first priority in his life is God, but for the past few months hasnt been so. first it was the A's. then it was something else. then it was work. that's the cold hard truth. i've fallen, and am in a pretty bad shape. are there any other hands to raise?

and so i thought about holiness. i've been living a lie, pretending to be somebody, trying to fill a persona, trying to be strong and cheery, when in fact, i've been so broken inside for a very long time, and my life's compass has gone awry. and more recently, i've been plagued by a sense of uselessness, so bad that sometimes i don't even feel good enough to go on stage to serve, or that anything i do matters. am i just a filthy piece of shit, in a filthy toilet bowl, living my filthy existence? or are my hands still holy to be used by God?

in one of the songs today, i found the answer.


this land is holy because God is here.

and that is all to it. no matter how screwed up we are, we are holy, if God is in our lives.
no matter how unworthy you may feel, your hands are holy, if they are hands surrendered to God's use.

with everything said in the first half of this entry, i shall just make my point with a mere four words.

He died for this.







12 stones - stay

I walk to the edge again, searching for the truth
Taken by the memories of all that I've been through
If I could hear your voice I know that I would be okay
I know that I've been wrong but I'm begging you to stay
Won't you stay?

I wish that I could turn back time just to have one more chance
To be the man I need to be, I pray you'll understand
If I could hear your voice I know that I would be okay
I know that I've been wrong but I'm begging you to stay
Won't you stay?

Will you be here or will I be alone
Will I be scared, you'll teach me how to be strong
And if I fall down will you help me carry on
I cannot do this alone

I need your hand to help me make it through again
Nothing compares to how I feel when I look at you
You never know, you never know tomorrow
You never know, you never know tomorrow
Don't walk away

I am not alone I know you're there
I am not alone.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

how much is a tv worth?

seriously, i don't understand how ppl can be so anal over a stupid television set. what more, a free one.

is a tv so important that it is your lifeline, and if you can't have it for a few weeks, you'll die? seriously, there is much more to life outside the google box than in it. errrr, go get a life?

and i now know how bitchy being in the customer service line is. you are basically paid to be the middle man between the organization and client, and about 75% of your job scope is getting scoldings from customers. the other 25%? answering to your boss.

so people, please don't be mean to the people who are in the frontline serving you. most of the time, it is not their fault. when they say there is nothing they can do about it, it is probably true. they can either be nice and patient and listen to your unreasonable rantings, or be human and tell you to fuck off. he/she may be at work, but never forget the person's basic value as a human. if he/she humbles himself and tries to accomodate your scolding, do not climb over his/her head.

like the woman who was screaming over the phone at me today. telling me about how you have a life and cannot be waiting the whole day for your tv. and refuses to put down the phone and let me call back. well, seriously, if you put down the phone and get back to your life, while i try what i can to see what arrangements can be made, i could work better and you could have your life. repetitively telling me that you have a life really just shows what kind of life you have. and just what kind of woman would be screaming over the phone to someone? it reflects really badly, and seriously i was laughing my ass off on the other end. and be a little smarter and not make stupid demands. if i cant do anything about it, i can't. even if you are able to muster a million decibel scream and direct it at me, it doesnt help. besides, i have your address, i/c no. and lotsa info. you threaten to complain, but you see, you know nothing about me. right now, i can give the finger to the job and give you hell. the most you can do is make me lose my job. after all you know nothing about me. but i can make you lose much more than that, if i were a mirror reflection of your character. i know everything about you. heheh.

i was walking pass my own tv set just about a moment ago, and i read on the subtitles.. "is this how you treat someone who really cares about you?" and i thought about how things are between you and me. i think that even though u don't even treat me much as a friend anymore, it wouldn't change the lengths i'd go to just to make sure you are alright. afterall, i know i won't get, and i don't expect anything in return. it is just mine. a belief, a silliness and just that bit of gratitude. i'll be here for you.

Tuesday, January 10, 2006

perfect.

to come home at the end of the day, and have these words thrown in my face is hurtful, to say the least.

And now I try hard to make it
I just want to make you proud
I'm never gonna be good enough for you
I can't stand another fight
And nothing's alright

to find out that this is how much you believe in me, and this is your opinion of my character and morality, is a fact i'd choose to ignore. all these times, i've been trying to prove you wrong, to prove my worth, to let you be able to speak of me in pride. and in the end, this is still what you believe me to be. it hurts even more, that you are important to me, and your opinion really matters.

perhaps my confidence issues stem from you. or perhaps i should believe you and see myself as the root of all problems, because i am just a useless kid who never grew up, never learnt to do anything, never been independent, and never will achieve anything. who is selfish and immature, who has no moral standing on anything.

Nothing's gonna change the things that you said
Nothing's gonna make this right again
Please don't turn your back
I can't believe it's hard just to talk to you
But you don't understand

it is no wonder we don't talk, or every conversation we try to have turns out to be a quarrel. i hate the way you think so lowly of me, and i don't want to turn out to this person you believe me to be.

'Cuz we lost it all
Nothing lasts forever
I'm sorry I can't be perfect
Now it's just too late and
We can't go back
I'm sorry I can't be perfect


thanks a lot, mum. i'm sorry and i love you anyway.

Monday, January 09, 2006

updateeee!

ok, since nobody bothers to ask me about my life, i'll just blog about it. heeheh. there is no escape from hearing about my boring life! since you are already here, might as well read through eh? no, no, don't press the back button. uh-huh. now be good and keep reading. there, well done. ;p

i've been working at this courier company for the past few days, started last friday, and every day that i go to work, my job scope is doubled. currently, what i have to do is call up customers, arrange a delivery time with them, say sorry that the shipment is late, get berated at for it though it is not my fault and i can't do a thing about it, and not get affected by it and move on to the next in the list. recently, have had to also handle stuff on the courier side, which is pretty simple, taking down orders and relaying it to ops. then now, i also have to be responsible for the action list, which is basically a list of angry customers. hahaha. now, what really surprises me is the work ethics of this company. practically, everyone OTs, and even temps like me are expected to. it isn't really about money, since OT pay is at a flat rate. does everyone work so hard in the working world?

and did i mention when the recruitment agency told me it was a courier company, i thought they were talking about a korea company, and i was gonna get to work with a bunch of pretty korean ladies and enjoy nice kimchi?

then got a call today, from i'm 21! apparently, they shortlisted me for an interview with them for the job i applied for. (the one in kembangan a few entries ago.) it does sound more fun, being events and camp and all, but because i'm tied to this courea company now, i couldnt go. but i believe that where i am right now is God's best plan for me. :) i am grateful.. and i thank God that i can always easily find employment. like the i'm 21 application, i didnt have a character reference to put down, and they still were interested anyways. indeed, God is sufficient to provide my everything.

realized that i am not one that is motivated by money, so i guess that's a major part of the decision of what i will do in uni. i want to do something that allows me to have a direct, positive impact on the world, and something that i'll wake up every morning and never lose interest in. even though all of you whom i forced to read this entry may think i suck, it is what i will go for, and it is the direction in which i am gonna lead my life. so there.


hey-ho!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

something's gotta change

i sit here in front of the com at 6am in the morning, typing in the dark and synchronizing the tappety-tap of the keyboard with the pattering of the rain outside. and with the overcast seeming darker not outside the window but over my life, i realize..

something's gotta change.

Thursday, January 05, 2006

mascara

today was about all over the east side of singapore..

went for to recruitexpress early, about 10 am to register.. tampines! so far away. but they don't have any slots for me right now. so i guess it is hopeless over there, and have to keep looking. anyhows, i wonder why i always get pretty interviewers. hahaa.

then met cheok at tampines mall, ate macs, talked, made him skip lesson (heheh. last year around this time, i was the one skipping lessons) then headed down to swee lee @ bugis. got my book. very expensive. and i must stop spending already. currently jobless, yet spending and spending. got to, got to, got to STOP!

headed to kembangan after that, for another interview. turns out they won't interview because of some bs reason, and asked us to fill up some form. will get called back if shortlisted. i wrote some nice crap for the "why do you want this job" reason, but i doubt it'll suffice, seeing how all the other applicants are older than me and are able to commit longer.

and the search continues... i wonder if i should do some calling and hunting again tmr. travelling is expensive man. i spent like 5bucks on transport alone today. seriously, can someone ask me out so i can take my mind off job hunting? hahaah.

and today, i learnt about mascara. nowadays, there is mascara for the face, and for the soul as well. particularly in the workplace. i realize that some people are buried in two inches of mascara, and just try to fit into some normalcy. they hide what they feel, and act as if everything is alright all the time, when it really is not. but i acknowledge that such is the way to survive, particularly when everyone else is coated in mascara too, and the world can be such a bitchy place. sadly, i realize i've joined the ranks of the mascara laden.

but mascara doesn't make you any prettier. no, in my humble opinion, it does not. what it does is hide your flaws, make you look perfect. but it hides you as well. hides your blemishes, but along with it, the quirkiness, and the beautiful soul you were created to be. it is only under the mascara that you can see the frailty, the authenticity, and the love each of us possess. and the true strength too, not one huge airshow. you can only see strength when it really is you reacting.

so wake up, and wipe off the mascara you, all you people and me. (now, who am i kidding.)

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

ENFPs

The Champion Idealists are abstract in thought and speech, cooperative in accomplishing their aims, and informative and extraverted when relating with others. For Champions, nothing occurs which does not have some deep ethical significance, and this, coupled with their uncanny sense of the motivations of others, gives them a talent for seeing life as an exciting drama, pregnant with possibilities for both good and evil. This type is found in only about 3 percent of the general population, but they have great influence because of their extraordinary impact on others. Champions are inclined to go everywhere and look into everything that has to do with the advance of good and the retreat of evil in the world. They can't bear to miss out on what is going on around them; they must experience, first hand, all the significant social events that affect our lives. And then they are eager to relate the stories they've uncovered, hoping to disclose the "truth" of people and issues, and to advocate causes. This strong drive to unveil current events can make them tireless in conversing with others, like fountains that bubble and splash, spilling over their own words to get it all out.

Champions consider intense emotional experiences as being vital to a full life, although they can never quite shake the feeling that a part of themselves is split off, uninvolved in the experience. Thus, while they strive for emotional congruency, they often see themselves in some danger of losing touch with their real feelings, which Champions possess in a wide range and variety. In the same vein, Champions strive toward a kind of spontaneous personal authenticity, and this intention always to "be themselves" is usually communicated nonverbally to others, who find it quite attractive. All too often, however, Champions fall short in their efforts to be authentic, and they tend to heap coals of fire on themselves, berating themselves for the slightest self-conscious role-playing.


General: ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of an often bizarre cosmic whole. They want to both help (at least, their own definition of "help") and be liked and admired by other people, on bo th an individual and a humanitarian level. They are interested in new ideas on principle, but ultimately discard most of them for one reason or another.

Social/Personal Relationships: ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to the more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality. They are outgoing, fun, and genuinely like people. As SOs/mates they are warm, affectionate (l ots of PDA), and disconcertingly spontaneous. However, attention span in relationships can be short; ENFPs are easily intrigued and distracted by new friends and acquaintances, forgetting about the older ones for long stretches at a time. Less mature ENFPs may need to feel they are the center of attention all the time, to reassure them that everyone thinks they're a wonderful and fascinating person.

ENFPs often have strong, if unconvential, convictions on various issues related to their Cosmic View. They usually try to use their social skills and contacts to persuade people gently of the rightness of these views; his sometimes results in their negle cting their nearest and dearest while flitting around trying to save the world.Work Environment: ENFPs are pleasant, easygoing, and usually fun to work with. They come up with great ideas, and are a major asset in brainstorming sessions. Followthrough tends to be a problem, however; they tend to get bored quickly, especially if a newer, more interesting project comes along. They also tend to be procrastinators, both about meeting hard deadlines and about performing any small, uninteresting tasks that they've been assigned. ENFPs are at their most useful when working in a group w ith a J or two to take up the slack.

ENFPs hate bureaucracy, both in principle and in practice; they will always make a point of launching one of their crusades against some aspect of it.



ENFPs are friendly folks. Most are really enjoyable people. Some of the most soft-hearted people are ENFPs.

ENFPs have what some call a "silly switch." They can be intellectual, serious, all business for a while, but whenever they get the chance, they flip that switch and become CAPTAIN WILDCHILD, the scourge of the swimming pool, ticklers par excellence. Som etimes they may even appear intoxicated when the "switch" is flipped.

One study has shown that ENFPs are significantly overrepresented in psychodrama. Most have a natural propensity for role-playing and acting.

ENFPs like to tell funny stories, especially about their friends. This penchant may be why many are attracted to journalism. I kid one of my ENFP friends that if I want the sixth fleet to know something, I'll just tell him.

ENFPs are global learners. Close enough is satisfactory to the ENFP, which may unnerve more precise thinking types, especially with such things as piano practice ("three quarter notes or four ... what's the difference?") Amazingly, some ENFPs are adept at exacting disciplines such as mathematics.

Friends are what life is about to ENFPs, moreso even than the other NFs. They hold up their end of the relationship, sometimes being victimized by less caring individuals. ENFPs are energized by being around people. Some have real difficulty being alone , especially on a regular basis.

One ENFP colleague, a social worker, had such tremendous interpersonal skills that she put her interviewers at ease during her own job interview. She had the ability to make strangers feel like old friends.

ENFPs sometimes can be blindsided by their secondary Feeling function. Hasty decisions based on deeply felt values may boil over with unpredictable results. More than one ENFP has abruptly quit a job in such a moment.



all from www.humanmetrics.com

funny how i've spent 18 years being myself and a few minutes doing a quiz tell me more about myself then what i've learnt over my life. accurate pretty much, but someone else telling me who i am isn't a more reliable source than myself is it? and i am so low on confidence now i don't really know. hahaha. the parody between pride and... pride.

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Innocent

Oh, Johnny wishes he was famous
Spends his time alone in the basement
With Lennon and Cobain and a guitar and a stereo
And while he wishes he could escape this
But it all seems so contagious
Not to be yourself and faceless
In a song that has no soul

I remember feeling low
I remember losing hope
And I remember all the feelings
And the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are all
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are all

Oh, and Tina's losing faith in what she knows
Hates her music, hates all of her clothes
Thinks of surgery and a new nose
Every calorie's a war,
And while she wishes she was a dancer
And that she never heard of cancer
She wishes God would give her some answers
And make her feel beautiful

One day you'll have to let it go
You'll have to let it go
One day you'll stand up on your own
You'll stand up on your own

Remember losing hope
Remember feeling low
Remember all the feelings and the day they stopped

We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent
We are all innocent, we are, we are
We are, we are all innocent

we are all innocent..

even at 18, i am still struggling with a problem many teens face.. discontentment with being not good enough..

in a series of events over the last year or so, the feeling grows. right now, i'm plagued with a feeling of uselessness, not being able to, and not having done anything to be proud of, or to have served others such that someone else is blessed. and having ppl telling me that i'm not good enough, and one more recently from someone who matters a lot to me has dealt a severe blow to my confidence, and there are just times before i step on to play in a worship session, i had to specifically pray for confidence. it's such a low, as in my growing years, i rarely had a problem with confidence.

and because of this, i've learnt the value of having the mentality of screwing the world and enjoying myself no matter what others think. the punchinello mentality? really, it is impossible to please the world, so why seek it? i know at the end of the day, whom i want to please and i should really just concentrate on that.

i've also learnt how horrible it is to condemn someone. i'm guilty of it, sometimes denying someone my friendship, or depriving him/her of chances, just because i percieve that person to be not good enough, or just being not applicable to whatever need that needs to be fulfilled. standing on the other side of the line, being the one condemned, i'm learning the value of valuing others. so i ask all those i have been cold to in the past, to please forgive me, and give me that chance again. i'm sorry.

here's an update to the current status of things in my life. i'm slacking, and will have to look for a job again, because a promised job doesnt seem likely to come. and i'm pondering about pursuing my dream to become a session musician, the kind that plays at small events and all, more of an ambience player than one that is up there getting attention. i want to learn to make good music, and make someone's life for the better with it. also looking into where to go for uni. currently smu tops the list, probably for business/social sciences. or overseas, if i can work out a way to support myself abroad. but God scoffs at those who makes plans without Him, so i'll be praying about those stuffs and asking for you to pray for me too, and advice too. if the world dares tell me i'm not good enough to chase after my dreams, i'll just show it the finger and work even harder.

cheers to living!

Monday, January 02, 2006

choose to love?

love. is it a matter of choice, or just a feeling that is repressible and undeniable?

against the case of love being uncontrollable, perhaps if we throw away what the television tells us about love, love could actually be something one chooses, and not directed at one that you cannot help but fall in love with.

to fall in love, one would first have to allow himself to think the best of the other party, and humble himself to see that the other may really have good qualities that he admires. that is a choice to, especially in a meritocratic world, where self-worth is build up by enhancing the image of self, to make yourself better than others. this is pretty much a choice to make, to put your ego down and see the best in someone else.

to fall out of love, it is practically impossible to unless one takes active steps to move on. that again, is a choice one must make to move on, because of unrequited love, an unworkable relationship or death, or the worst things. but even when one has been madly in love, there are those who have had to move on, and there are many who have.

but yet, the very workings of the heart sometimes make it impossible to see love in this way. when you fall in love, it feels like a rollercoaster ride, where you have no accelerator nor brake to step on. making a choice to get on leaves you with only the choice to stay on or jump ship.

but uncontrollable as it is, we do have a choice. we can choose our actions to reflect love. and i've learnt that love isn't about the candlelit dinners, the sparks, or the pure sweetness that abounds between two. love, most of the time, takes on a much deeper tone.

like the mother who has to give her children away so that they can have a shot at even growing up. who is to say that the mother does not love her children? deep inside her, it must have hurt her so.

or the pair of lovers apart. both denying themselves a big part of their current lives to stay true to each other. love is sweet, but who can say there is no hurt in stifling their needs for current gratification.

like those conscripted to war, or to another higher calling. who has to be away from their family, for a greater good, to serve others. love for their family and friends would have hurt him so much, yet staying on in wherever they're called, giving up their love so others can be safe and served and have theirs.

and the Saviour who was blameless yet hung on a cross to die for His people. it was for love that He was crucified.

that is why even if this messy affair, love, is giving you a rough touch in your life, you can know He knows how it feels too. every hurt, every wince, He has it worse. and He loves you to want to heal your hurt. believe me, He loves you. believe Him.


Hillsong - I will love

I will love You Lord, my strength
I belong to You
I will bless You while I live
And I will lift my hands up in Your name

Jesus, You alone are holy
You alone are holy
Name above every name
Lord Jesus, You alone are worthy
You alone are worthy
Jesus, the Lamb that was slain

Nailed to the cross for me
Died and rose again
You redeemed me to the Father by Your blood
You cleansed me from all sin

Sunday, January 01, 2006

2006

oh my God, it's 2006!