the best days are ahead.

i've been updating a lot, so do scroll down and look!

what a turbulent day. went to smu today to drop in my application because it seems like they havent gotten my mailed one. then hung around with jx, had swensen's topless 5 for dinner.

went to church for the da vinci seminar, didnt play so well, and got hungry halfway, so stole an apple from audrey. then pissed a friend off by being childish, and yeah, started to feel like crap already. then couldnt buy a mcchicken and so came home hungry, watched lost and now it is too late to eat anything.

i love lost, though there are those who hate it. i guess i like it because of it's thrill factor, and more so because of the parallels i can draw to my life. what's scary about it is how people let certain things stay in their souls for such a long time, the deepest darkest secret that scar them and will always conciously or subconciously affect them. i hate that. it scares me most that i may be living it right now.

anyhows, was reading through some people's blog, and also thinking about my own life. i think loads of stuff, we let the silly stuff get us down. for some of my friends, and myself included, we do have bright futures ahead. we've worked hard to get ourselves where we are, and we do have a future to work for. but yet, we moan like the end of the world is coming, because of little things that get to us. most often, members of the opposite sex.

if one were to take a step back, thing such as bgr, at our age should be just a miniscule part of our lives, not front stage. because there is so much in life for us to seize right now! we are only at this age once. if you have found your significant other and he/she gives you great joy, then good for you. but for those who have not, or have lost theirs, it is just not worth it to be sad over such stuff. there is too much that you'll forgo if you let yourself be down all the time. it is not worth it.

but funny that came from me, when i have an urge to stab myself in the chest to earn the world's sympathy and end my state of lonesome existence. haha.


i remember how i used to blog about how down i am, or how horrible i feel just to gain some sympathy. that was rather silly, now that i look back. it's kinda like saying "hey, i'm pathetic! show some love!" i guess i have to be done with that now. it doesnt work, or at least i don't want to be pathetic for the world to see. and you know, i realize all these years, i've never wanted people to shower me with care and concern. i dont year for human affection. what i truly want is a friend who loves me for who i am, whom i can turn to, to be open with and seek support from, and seek me out when i've gone down. i do hope that i can be that for someone too. i want wonderful friendships.

so much more to life, so much more.



My cherie amour lovely as a summer day
My cherie amour distant as the Milky Way
My cherie amour pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart leaps for
How I wish that you were mine

In a cafe or sometimes on a crowded street
I've been near you but you never notice me
Oh cherie amour won't you tell me how could you ignore
Back behind this little smile I wore
How I wished that you were mine

My cherie amour
My cherie amour
Maybe some day you'll see my face among the crowd
Maybe some day you'll share your little distant cloud
Oh cherie amour pretty little one that I adore
You're the only girl my heart leaps for
How I wish that you were mine


this is a damn ironic post.

photos

was digging through my com, and found a hidden stash of picture! wow, now i do have photos of myself. two points, i didnt realize i was that fair back then, and most of the pictures makes me go "WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING?"
















What the hell was I(we) thinking.
















What the hell were we(I) thinking.



















A damn fair(and fat) me.















WHAT THE HELL WERE ALL OF US THINKING?











For the only t-19er who tags/read my blog. [:(.. haha.]

















and then...














!!!!


i shall just end off with my favourite..















victim of racism. (you need to know what really happened. hahahaha.)

hardwired to be confused?

had a great emo-despo outing yesterday.. haha talking to eric works my braincell, but too bad they were still in hibernation yesterday la. hahah. the best thing i said was probably "YOU WAIT AND SEE!"

anyways, woke up to a phone call at 9.30 am today to my ringing phone. i was quite pissed about it and was about to shout at whoever was calling me at this unearthly hour, but luckily checked the caller id first. turns out it was a call from AFRC, and i'm scheduled for an interview on 6th april. from what i hear from jx, i probably should get a haircut first before going, but i am quite half-assed. actually right now, i don't know if i want to be going down that career path or not. if i commit, it's a long, long time. need to pray about this. but it'd be the best option to take for the sake of my education, and also my family's finances.

see, after i decide i want to be a journalist, another option comes up. after i decide to give up, i find that i am not strong enough to. after i draw conclusions, i re-wonder. i am hardwired to be confused.

ahhh, damn.

i have nothing to do today.


Tell me why you gotta be so cold
Tell me anything about you
That I don't know, I don't know by now,
Know by now
Tell me how we're gonna make it last
You're ready to fly
I'm ready to crash
Don't go
Yeah, don't go

- Cold, Matchbox 20

putty

met the guys in town in the afternoon, then went around looking for a cap but couldn't find one. i'd look funny without my hair, but also funny in a cap. so yeah, heck it for now i guess. got a sms from cmpb to remind me about my enlistment on 7th april. now it starts to feel real.

while talking to a friend, i realized that i will miss out on a lot of stuff when i am in ns. it isn't in my power to change it though. ah, i am just confused right now. at first all i wanted was to run away. ns was the escape, and now i want to run away from the escape. there are still things i cannot let go.

and something really embarrassing happened. darn. but it was funny.. hahahah we shall just laugh it off yeah?

but i was happy today.


i feel like putty in your hands now. damn. koon cannot be this weak.

Believe

hmmm. walter and the band did a great job for worship yesterday, the day that i was supposed to play but couldn't. think God had a purpose in this, by making clemence show up, and He wanted me in the congregation, maybe just for this song. great choice of the last song, gave me the conviction to hold back my application for a few days, to pray and ask God what He wants for me. i don't want to be living in compromises now, don't want to do it my own way.

I say on Sunday how much I want revival
But then on Monday, I can’t even find my Bible
Where’s the power
The power of the cross in my life

I’m sick of playing the game of religion
I’m tired of losing my reason for living
Where’s the power
The power of the cross in my life

I’m not content just to walk through my life, giving in
To the lies, Walking in compromises now
We cry out as a generation that was lost
But now is found in the power of the cross

We believe in You
We believe in the power of Your Word that is true
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

I’m not satisfied doing it my own way
I’m not satisfied to do church and walk away
I’m not satisfied there’s no love in my life but You
I’m not satisfied living in yesterday’s hour
I’m not satisfied to have the form but not the power
I’m not satisfied, Lord I am crucified in You

We believe in You
We believe in the power of Your Word that is true
We believe in You
So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

So we lay down our cause
That our cross might be found in You

jobless!

as of now, i am officially jobless. finally i have no association to any organization. no face to sell something, no obligation to behave in any way. i am FREE!

so, 2 weeks left till NS. how many days? maybe i should count. 14 exactly. gosh. it's probably time to start training up physically as well, i'm really out of touch with my body. and i'll be trying to meet lots of people i wont get to meet anymore, so please be free for me ok! i have so many things i want to finish before i go, like my room, the song, adventures to go on. and i want to just play and lead ppl in worship too.

i think i should not get bogged down by stuff. i may not get things which i want very badly, but i am going to just look at it and say "so what." and i have a feeling some people are miserable cause of what i do, or don't do. so if i am your misery, please do talk to me. it's not like i don't care about you. the invitation's open. :) and yeah, better do so before i get conscripted and all my mind is bogged up with other stuff.

and, i don't know what to do with my wages that is going to come in next week. maybe i'll keep it in the bank and apply for a debit. or i've been contemplating putting them in stocks. i don't have a substantial enough amount for a fixed deposits, so it may be best to put them in stocks. i have a battle plan already, maybe i'll share it some day. but i don't really have enough money la... sigh.


what do you call a midget fortune teller that escaped from jail?
a small medium at large.

foolish games

today was a milestone in my waitering career! got the biggest tip i've ever seen in my life, $50 in cash and a customer shaking my hand and thanking me for good service. too bad i resisted the urge to slip the tip into my own pocket and put it in the tip box instead, which means i won't see much of that 50bucks. but it wasn't about the money, it just meant a lot to me that i was able to go from zero at the start to being able to let customers leave feeling very satisfied.

met up with jx today, supposedly to get the cd rack, which i did not get, again. then had topless 5.. swensen's having good promotions during weekdays, check it out. worked at indochine, and met up with jx and an fu again. other than the good times with them, and the big tip, it was pretty much a despicable day.

two weeks and slightly more to ns. a lot of people that i wanna meet up with before i go, and a number of ghosts to exorcise. nothing's too tough in itself, it is just the overlaps that kills.

spent a lot of today listening to my mum about our problems, thinking about my problems, and wondering if anything changed after i had been running away for so long.


God, sometimes i wonder if You forget that i want to be happy too.

Well in case you failed to notice, in case you failed to see.
This is my heart, bleeding before you.
This is me down on my knees.
And these foolish games are tearing me apart.
And your thoughtless words are breaking my heart.
Breaking my heart...

Lifehouse - Somewhere Only We Know

if you have time, take a moment to watch this video.. lifehouse covering keane's somewhere only we know.

the lead singer, with the acoustic guitar, he's Jason Wade. someone i aspired to be when i was younger, and whom i still very much want to emulate. not just for his performing abilities or natural charm, but more so of his songwriting. find out more, but watch first! :)

the polo sports bag

got the polo sports bag that i fell in love with a while ago today! but it doesn't really look half as good when it is not filled to the brim. oh wells, i still like it anyway. it is gonna be my NS bag. i think it is one of those things that only i will like, while others think it is shitass ugly. but it is huge, and spacious, though it is more like a duffel than anything else, meaning only one big compartment, i still like it.

ok that was a good distraction from what i really am thinking. it is so ironic, that after spending months running away from this, i am slipping back into the same place again, and to realize that nothing much has changed. it is like travelling in a helix outwards and then to get sucked in straight. argh. this is so confusing.

it was a lousy day anyways, though out of the blue, my last day of work for ralph lauren turned out to be yesterday cause agnes messaged me late last night to say i didn't have to be there today. spent too much time sleeping, and thinking, and trying to pack up my room to no success. then i went to bugis for a while to see shida and kelly, but shida was kinda blue and kelly was missing. and i walked from bugis to clarke quay, and i arrived feeling a bit glum. had a lot of weird customers, like this chinese duo who are the most ungentlemanly i've seen, this weird couple who argued when i was taking orders, and this group of angmohs who didnt speak english. but it was a bitch anyways, with roshan and ravi suddenly sacked, and the usually nice people being bitchy.

i realize i may get kicked out of divers if they have a medical. my eyesight is failing, and my body feels really weird now. i feel sickly.

anybody wants to join me in leading a healthy lifestyle? :)

soft spot

today i felt like a jerk.

first it was something i did, not with bad intentions but it seems like it turned out quite bad for somebody. made me feel like a selfish jerk.

then for the second time in my short career in promoting, somebody bought something from me because she felt obliged to buy because i gave good service. i hate that. you are spending like a hundred bucks just because you feel bad? that is not cool. sure, i get a few dollars commission, but hey, its a hundred bucks on your side, a few on mine. and i dont even intend to collect the freaking commission anyway. and i really hate to think that these nice people would look me through that kind of eyes, like the few dollars would mean a lot to me. can't they see i rather have made a human happy than earn that bit of money? made me feel like a sweet talking bastard.

and throughout work, i was thinking about how i had a stupid tender soft spot. and how hard i try to cover it up, it just gets exposed over and over again by someone whom i tried so hard to guard against. i am just another lousy wimp.

and pathetically i seem to hate myself yet sympathize myself.


now, do i suck or what.


no, i am living in a blessed assurance. :)

Our Lives

Finally found the song! heard it on the grammy's ad, and it sounded very familiar, but i didn't know what song it was. but i've got it now!

cause these are the days worth living..

everyday begins anew and brings a new palette to paint on with it. open your eyes and look around, there are possibilities everywhere! of course a layer of grime covers each of us, but let me say this, it is not worth the trouble to be held back by it. the beautiful day is still there for the taking, whether you choose to or not, so why not seize it?

These are the years we're given..
And these are the moments,
These are the times..

time is a precious gift. because it ticks to a finality, and it never stops ticking. it will pass no matter how you are spending it, you cannot put it into a bank for later use. and right now, is the time. so why wait? the sun will not rise differently tomorrow, neither will the waves cease so you can cross the sea. there is no better time than now. if you have a dream to realize, or someone to apologize to, or anything at all, go do it. time ticks off even as you are reading this. if you settle it now, you don't have to carry it for another moment in time.

Let's make the best out of our lives...

you are not a slave. saw this in my ratm cd's cover. you are not a slave. we are all free to walk away from hurt, from disappointment, or even expectation. even if you have done a great wrong, remember the story of the saviour who bled so you could live. if there is something holding you back, push it off. fight it, run away, pray for it to be gone. you do not have to be a slave to anything at all. not to your parent's expectations, or to something you did wrong in the past, or what someone did to you, or to a girl that you like. walk free. it's in a wrong state if it burdens you, and it only shackles you if you let it. cause each of us have been given enough strength to break the chains. you are not a slave.


The Calling - Our lives

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Of a better life
In this world
Divided by fear
We've got to believe that
There's a reason we're here
Yeah, there's a reason we're here...
Oh, yeah...

See the truth, all around
Our faith can be broken
Our hands can be bound
But open our hearts
And fill up the emptiness
With nothing to stop us
Is it not worth the risk?
Yeah, is it not worth the risk?...
No, yeah...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

We can't go on
Thinking it's wrong to speak our minds
I've got to let out what's inside...

Is there love, tonight
When everyone's dreaming
Can we get it right?
Yeah, can we get it right?...

Cause these are the days worth living
These are the years we're given
And these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

And even if hope was shattered
I know it wouldn't matter
Cause these are the moments
These are the times
Let's make the best out of our lives...

Oh, yeah, let's make the best out of our lives...

DASH

was pretty fun, thought i didnt know what was going on the whole time. was stuck out in the sea most of the time. but props to scott! everybody we saw were happy i think.

kayaking was fun, though very very tiring. i nearly wanted to not row back when i was out on the double kayak for the last trip. arms were hurting like crazy.. but the worse parts were the search & rescue operations. nearly died myself.

but had a great day doing lots of physical stuff, and talking to the yfers and everybody. well, if there is one thing i learnt, people from church are really nice. sometimes when u're out at work, you get the feeling like people are waiting for you to make a mistake to cut you under, or jump on you. especially so for my indochine job. it'll just get worse when we get out into the real work world.

help! i haven't applied for uni yet!


If you're leaving will you take me with you
I'm tired of talking on my phone
There is one thing I could never give you
My heart will never be your home

So what's the matter with you?
Sing me something new... don't you know
That cold and wind and rain don't know
They only seem to come and go away

Stand by me, nobody knows the way it's gonna be.

huh?

in case you found the last entry weird, i think i was drunk when i wrote it.

i don't even recall writing it! maybe someone hacked into my account to post it, but not likely. firstly, nobody has my password, and secondly, the writer sounds eerily like a psycho alter ego of me.

anyways, had really bad food poisoning last night.. went home early from work coz of that. couldnt feel much blood in my hands, and was lying on the floor in the toilet after i vomitted when i got home. i really thought i'd die. so kids, please watch what you eat. (i learnt how to pee through my butt)

and damn, i've got so much to catch up on after working like crazy over the past week. dash, rehearsal and everything. need to get prepared for it now. oh God.

life is not philosophical.

no, it is not.

for example, don't judge a book by it's cover. but who wants to sift through tons of info just to know what a book is about. especially if u are only half-interested about the book.

broken-heartedness is a lie. the heart will probably get squishy if crushed, not broken. such is the nature of flesh. it still hurts like hell anyway.

women are trouble. for sure, everyone knows that more than one woman would be trouble. hell hath no fury like a woman scorn. but two woman scorned? you see that on earth, and it is about as bad as an apocalypse. hell, we might as well refer to it as the apocalypse of the offending man. "apocalypse: fury of two bleeders." here's a reminder for us guys to not be reduced to a pathetic worm because of a girl you like, a mistake nice guys like me often make. because worms are not attractive.

if you want to get into ppl's head, the easiest way to get in is to to fit whatever you want to say into a pre-existing shape fixated in his/her life. it is entirely stupid on both parts.

my eyes are drooping... snagagjaigjagjajk[qjtgwijgwa,ve

GOOD NIGH Papa!

brutal

life is brutal. it is like a raging bulge of muscles driving on like a train, ugly, tough and unstoppable, reeking of a humid stench and induces terror in the eyes of the beholder. mere humans are helpless against it, and can only try to keep up, or get left behind.

but it does not move at a blistering pace. life is manageable.

you'll only fall behind if you stop walking.


i am still undecided on what i should do in uni. currently, first choice would be comm studies, but ntu is freaking far away, and unglam(heeheheh). but it is unlikely i can get in with my results, so second choice is very impt as well. thinking of either business or soci, but i don't know which one i'll like better. i'll enjoy the thrill of a business career, but soci could bring me nearer to a meaningful life where i work to improve the life of others and not just merely myself. but i don't know if i want to have a thrilling life for myself or serve others! maybe i can do both huh?

i am immensely interested in a career in media, or maybe PR. don't know if there is a marketing course or smthing like that. i'd go for that. or maybe i can be a pilot, but the loser me didnt get asked to go for interview. damn damn damn.

anyhows, worship today was rather good. think the band played rather well together, and even though it wasn't anything really outstanding or what, it did feel pretty alright. loved it. i think sometimes its the people you play with that makes the difference. seriously, if it was a band where people don't usually even talk to each other, how much spiritual bonding is there between them, and without that spiritual unity, it is hard to bring a congregation to worship God.

the church's ibanez is pretty cool. it is getting a little easier to manage, and i love the way it makes lead parts stand out. just that i kinda underestimated that part and got a little shock when going into the instrumental for 'my best friend', and messed up. haha. but still, i can't get a nice crunch/dist tone out of it, like that for 'my best friend' again. but beez could do it! one day i'll be able to. maybe it is all in the hands.

got a tough week ahead, and i'm gonna try being positive about it. monday to friday, will be working a lot. really looking forward to the weekend. ahhhhh. i'm kinda praying for God to show me the ONE soon. i want my fairytale soon too! (someone would know what i'm talking about.) but it seems very unlikely, just that i believe in a miraculous God. especially with the many restricions i place. first it was cannot be from school, then more recently added, cannot be from work and cannot be from church. gosh, where else do i even meet any girls? hey! i'll meet her on the street! or maybe on the train! or maybe standing beside singapore river when i am going home! bloody sarcasm. God you show me lah. hurrrrhurha.

i am despo.

made it

finally the anxiousness is over. i made it :)

it may not be outstanding results, but i am thankful enough that i can comfortably get to uni.

every ounce of glory in this is God's.


and to my friends whose future in education still hangs in perils, don't give up yet. just keep trying and praying. don't let this setback stop you from what you want to achieve in life. if a boulder stands in your way, clamber over it or just walk around it. it does not mark the end of your journey.

and especially for my clsmates with boderline marks, just keep applying! there's bound to be some faculty somewhere that'll take you in, and it may not merely be a dumping ground. if you don't apply, you never know.


and Lord, i thank You not merely for the results, but for being the meaning in my life. although i stray and each time break my homeward bound promise, You still did not withhold Your blessings. i know You are the provider, the love that never fails. You created each and every beauty in the world, allowed each sad song to be sung. But even in each sad moment, You are there. to be the way, and the good shepherd to soothe our pains. and for each season in our lives, You are. as You call yourself "I am", You are. Help us to stop distrusting You, Lord.