3 quarters of a century more to go.

and will it always be this way?



so the popular children's song, que sera sera, says whatever will be, will be. it just fails to mention the "whatever" involved is a product of our actions, and the goal of our desire. how many of us are actually willing to let whatever be just whatever, and accept whatever is whatever? maybe for those who have a guaranteed good whatever, whatever goes.

2 more days, or 1, strictly speaking, till i get my A's result. to put things in perspective, i do not know how things will go, and i don't know what to anticipate. for one, i may be in the better half of my class, but i have never done well enough in any major or minor exam to warrant entry into a university. never regularly achieved a 3 A level pass, proper. but i may still be able to make it, given that i did make quite a giant effort nearing the A's. and God does love me, and i've told Him i want to go to university so much.

then, there are other things. working has clouded my vision of a lot of things, and even my vision of myself. let me just type things here to clarify. no matter how much i suck at being a waiter, i am still just only a student, waiting for his results. i'll be heading to ns, and then to uni hopefully, and being lousy at waitering does not, in any way make me a lousy guy. i am still a musician struggling at improving, and dying to create music. and no matter how little i am involved in church right now, or how "unspiritual" my conversations and relations have become, i am still a sinner redeemed by His blood, a child loved utmostly by Him, a person immaculately and wonderfully created by Him.

things don't seem so bad after all.


i remember at camp or a retreat or something some time back, when i was in jc already, i recieved a kind of promise from God. oh yeah, it was at WE. i don't know what it was, but it felt like i had that message in my heart. that i would recieve a new life from Him, i would lead quite a different kind of life, but i had to be less of a sloth. I had to be less laid-back about my life, and go take the reins, and do whatever needs to be done, and He'll lead me to a great place. kind of like, He'll be my guide, not my chariot. i have to do my part in the walking. and i still believe in that. i must take control of my life now. it is my God-given right.

social etiquette

Since i've been selling pretty high-end stuff and serving rich customers, i think i'm in a sort-of position to comment on how to behave.

1. Always be sincere in your p's and q's.

it feels good for the person serving you to be thanked. look, they may not be as filthy rich as you are, but they are human as well. to serve you and your whims and fancies does take effort. so please do be polite and grateful. Always say "please" and "thank you" and always sincerely look into their eyes when saying it. Being rich does not make you a superior human being, and behaving that way does not make you look any better. In fact it just reflects upon you as an arrogant goony who is rude and can not behave.

2. Being drunk is bad.

Drink all you want, but never drink till you lose control over your own body and emotions. No, drinking a lot is not a sign of virility or strength or anything. Especially when you are drunk, with all the stumbling and warbling, you just look a fool. Yes, a fool. There was once we had a female customer whom was drunk and had her boobs out of her top for a free show. Even though according to my colleague, it was a fine pair to look at ( i didn't get to see it. was behind the bar. damn it.hahaah), but it does nothing for your reputation. You don't look beautiful, just a drunk slut.

3. Do not complain excessively.

Try not to comment that the food is lousy, or the product is bad. Because in most cases, the ones at the frontline serving you is not involved in the production of the food or product at all. Not like saying something about it helps. And especially in food, there is a lot of effort put into the preparation by the kitchen crew. Saying it is lousy makes the waiter feel bad for his kitchen. It also makes you look like a haughty bugger - i've seen people feeling embarrassed by their friend's complaining. And what you are eating is probably still better than what most people get.

4. White superiority?

For some reason, the ang-mohs are much, much more polite than the chinese people. Chinese people are most of the time rude and stupid, whereas ang-mohs are most of the time, polite. If they say that the western world has better customer service, and singapore's suck, it is probably because they have nicer pple to serve.

5. Tips!

Please do drop off some tips. It is cool to know you had a great time and is willing to slip out a bit more you know. Ok, this point is worthless. :p



i have a feeling i am going to get flamed very soon, with my lousy blogging and excessive whining of late. besides, there is a mystery tagger who's been going round yfer's tagboard and tagging bad stuff. if it is you reading this, knock it off. it ain't very nice. thank you.

whiner

WHY HAVE I BEEN WHINING SO MUCH?

i read through my blog and i see myself as a stupid little boy who thinks the world has been really horrid to him. and stupidly trying to disguise it as if he was grateful for this and for that. but there is an unacceptable level of whining. i am getting on MY nerves even.

i think i really like the boat quay/clarke quay area. if you want good food, go to boat quay. clarke quay's too expensive and snotty. i think i kinda like boat quay scenery/ambience better too. it is funny how life still revels around the riverside even in the awkward situation singapore is in. transportation and infrastructure's good enough to have our central be anywhere else, and the river is goddamn smelly. but i'm not complaining. things beside the smelly river are just beeauuutiful.

met a really hot girl today. and i don't even know her name! what a loser i am, what a loser am i. spoke to her for a while when i was in town settling some of my paycheck business. chatted for a few good minutes and WHY DIDNT I EVEN ASK HER NAME! not like posting here will help things even. just that maybe i'll meet her again in the future(likely, we work for the same ex-company), and i can read back at this.

oh wells, the despo gene is acting up again. it is a good sign since i haven't felt this way for a while.

faults.

i have this nagging feeling that i am partly at fault for everyone's plight. and i feel so very inadequate recently.

i need a haircut.

and a les paul.

and some new t-shirts.

and time with God.

i sort of wonder..

i sort of wonder why i didn't just choose a comfortable admin job to do until april. at least i wouldn't have to step out of my comfort zone, and would have a bunch of nice or not-so-nice colleagues that i could be comfy with and just chill till i have to go ns. it'd definitely be comfortable.

and i wonder why despite being very happy with my comfortable at my promoting job, i had to quit. got to work with great colleagues for a week at promo, shida and kelly, both of whom i've gotten to know and will surely miss. and the atmosphere is great too, where everybody is kinda just laid back and crazy. i'd have been happy there, especially with a supervisor whom is understanding and gives me great flexibility with my schedule so i can go to church for stuff and all.

i wonder why of all places, i have to go work at the restaurant at indochine, where i never get to see my colleagues in normal daylight. where i only get home at 2am, and keep having intense cravings for a cold bottle of beer, of which i cannot satisfy because they do not provide free beer, only soft drinks. and it is not even that cool. no i don't get to mix drinks and all. i'm a waiter, not a bartender.

why didn't i just go for stability and comfy, but went around so much?


and i realize that i am not as blessed as some others are in the financial and social sense. for one, i am not born of a white collar, where i can just go to school, live off my parents till i get employed in a good paying job. no, i have to go carve it out myself. there are no job prospects from parental provision, or a car waiting for me when i graduate. if i want anything, i have to go get it myself. and at 18, it is the age to start. my education and my ambitions, it is up to me to wrest with. gaining more experience is important, being comfortable and getting money is not. time to grow up again, boy.



Roxette - It Must Have Been Love

Lay a whisper on my pillow
Leave the winter on the ground
I wake up lonely, there's air of silence
In the bedroom and all around
Touch me now, I close my eyes
And dream away

It must have been love, but it's over now
It must have been good, but I lost it somehow
It must have been love, but it's over now
From the moment we touched, 'til the time had run out

Make-believing we're together
That I'm sheltered by your heart
But in and outside I've turned to water
Like a teardrop in your palm
And it's a hard winter's day
I dream away

It must have been love, but it's over now
It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without
It must have been love, but it's over now
It's where the water flows
It's where the wind blows

2am

you know, i wanted to whine about working till 2am last night(or today) and having to go to work again at 10am today at someplace else, because i was too nice to quit on them. then, i remembered new colleagues from yesterday who worked till 2am too, and are headed to a day job, or even school today at an even earlier time than me, and they do this everyday.

anyhows, it's been quite a good day of work yesterday. totally lost and disoriented, but good to be there to learn. tonight will be hectic again i hear, but i do pray that i can manage to catch on with everything.

the greatest difference between being a promoter and waiter is that as a promoter, you are always the one being talked to, and trying to get ppl's attention, whereas for a waiter, you are expected to be part of the background. quite an awkward transaction of me i must say.

wondering if i should go fun-o-rama now. no day job on sat, but may have to be down at indochine that night. very, very tired. but i need to go have some leisure time surely.

out of the shelter

been seeing much more of the world lately, mostly due to work. this makes me see how ugly the world really is, and how many of us are actually living such sheltered lives. talking to colleagues and all, can get to be pretty depressing when you find out about the problems they have/had. it's not small things man. not small things.

and i can't say that i am in a very good state right now, but at least i can thank God that whatever i face, i actually have a choice whether i want to let it affect me or not, whereas for others, they have no liberty of choice.

i'm sorry i can get to be irritable lately, or keep passing negative remarks, or speaking spiteful words. i am not doing very well myself, and i guess this is just an outflow. what i am open about is just the tip of the iceberg man. but all my troubles would just be the tip of an iceberg for somebody else.

life isnt bad just because of smelly inconsiderate ppl on the bus who squeeze and squeeze, or not being able to get the shirt that you want, or your friend standing you up, or having too much homework. there are worse stuffs beyond that, believe me. like adultery. like abuse. these are real, and shockingly common. so if you do live a good life that you can be thankful for, i believe each one of us have a duty to be considerate towards those who aren't as blessed.


oh, and wake up and smell the penis. because flowers are really the reproductive organs of plants.

derit.tired

my eyes are drooping and i only just woke up. and very long day ahead. first there is service, then to recce and then work. ugh. wanted to get an off day but they decided to put me on promotion, and i cannot take any off-days at all for the next few day.

and there is so much trouble brewing. sometimes i look at the state of things in which is supposed to be a sanctuary, like heaven on earth, an escape from the real world, and i wonder just what the fuck are they doing? the real world seems a better place now. at least we don't have to practice hypocrisy to appear to be a good boy in the real world.

UGH. please, please keep me awake during service. please help me through the day, God. and above all, help me to honour You as You so deserve and i should. i am so unworthy and weak, but in You i'll be strong. please, please help me God.

Amen.


and i am very bugged about the A's.

self-worth.

I'm gonna try anything to just feel better
Tell me what to do
You know I can't see through the haze around me
And I do anything to just feel better

And I can't find my way
God I need a change
And I do anything to just feel better
Any little thing to just feel better



been thinking about happiness lately. you know, the kind of happiness that makes you say you are generally a happy person, and you are contented and all? yeah, that kind of happiness.

i believe happiness stems from where you place your worth. if you achieve in wherever you place your worth, you'd feel happy. just to illustrate, say you have a very good friend who does anything to cheer you up. you should be happy, really, that there is someone in this world who bothers about you and cares about you. but say, the thing most important to you is say, another girl. no matter what your friend does for cheering you up, the increase in your happiness scale would be miniscule, as compared to what the girl in question can do for you with just a friendly conversation.

but that is not all. just take the above context, and swap friend for something else, or girl with anything else that is important to you. but the point is, wherever a person puts his/her worth in is the major deciding factor in whether a person is happy or not. let's see...

a person who places his worth in studies would be happy if he achieves good results.

a person who places his worth in friends would be happy if he has a good time with his friends.

a person who places his worth in his attractiveness would be happy if he has a horde of suitors.

a person who places his worth in music would be happy if he makes advancements in the music he makes.

a person who places his worth in God would be happy if he lives a life that pleases God.


but what if for some people like me, who don't know where i place my worth in? so how do i be happy? from experience, a lack of that knowledge doesn't make you always happy, but in fact it is quite the opposite. you may achieve, but you are never happy. i just end up lost and depressed.

and all too often, people place their worth in the wrong things. like beauty, how long can it last you? or academics, is it enough to fill all the crevices in your heart? or friends, who has never experienced the bitterness of betrayal? or love, how many times have thought of someone to be the right one only to be proven horrendously wrong?

and these remind me of a sign that i've read somewhere.

if others failed, try my Jesus.

now i'll hear frantic murmurs that i am going back to my religious fanatic blogging ways. but now, i tell you this. i've lost my way and i am finding God just as much as you who are reading this are. the test of this search will prove if God is indeed that saviour i've believed Him to be. go search yourself too, people. we all need to know what we are living for before we die.


I'm tired of holding on
To all things I ought to leave behind, yeah
It's really getting nowhere
I think I need a little help this time

lost again

typed a pretty long post yesterday, which blogger failed to publish, and i wasn't bothered to do again.

anyhows, hooked up to a new job again. starting on 15th, and it is possible to do both jobs, if i can go wriggle wriggle a bit. don't know if i should. the second job pays better, but less hours so it means i'll actually get less money. but still, i want to have that experience... so that i can learn more about the different industries and all before i come out into the real world to do real work.

what is the second job? waitering, at indochine, clarke quay. ppl must think i am mad to go job-hopping so much. this is my 5th job since i finished A's. but i do wanna try out more fields, instead of just doing one job and being happy with the money and feeling secure. thank God for His graciousness in always providing jobs for me. :)

but all these instability is taking its toll on me. i really don't know where i am headed, and if i am living life correctly right now. i've gone through so many changes in the past couple of months, going to totally new environments so many times. friends i make aren't the lasting sort - i rarely do keep in touch with those whom i crapped/worked with. and even those precious ones who mentor me, or guide me and teach me lessons in life, have gone on the directions they set out to be and i, depart on my own. old friends too, are quite out of touch due to me not being to join them all the time because of my work commitments.

a's results will be out soon, and it induces crushing fear on me. i don't know what it'll be, and where it'll bring me. just got to pray hard that God will have His way and i'll be both strong and humble about whatever comes.

and i have drifted quite far from church. serving less and less, and quite distant from the people too. i guess i have let my priorities for church slip a bit. but i am still chasing for intimacy with God himself, though that is sliding too. but i find assurance in the fact that the prodigal's son is not just a story in the bible, but also hard and true in real life. God's mercy, grace and love are not just pages in a book - it is the story of our life.

i hate pianos.

so, iTunes decided to play this stupid song with a piano intro. some corrine may song.


I try to smile my tears away,
I try to keep my cool.
Oh but one more door gets in my way
I feel like such a fool
Trampled and bitter,
My heart just wants to bleed and stop believing in me.

and i knew it'd turn out to be a bad day. such a bloody emo song. it's the way a piano key strikes, the way its notes can penetrate into your heart, and the way they always arrange the notes such that the minors are subtle, yet intense. i hate how vulnerable i always feel when someone plays the piano and i feel it pounding straight into my heart.

and it is a very lousy day because i am too lazy to go down to town to collect my schedule. i'm too lazy to go tell them not to schedule me beyond v-day because i want to go look for another job. i'm too lazy to ask anyone out and believe he/she would be free, or would want to go out with me. i'm too lazy to go get my bible or pray or spend some time with God. it's a lousy day because i am lazy.

to watch someone you're crazy over being crazy over someone else? absolutely crazy.

anyways, been thinking about getting a new phone. currently shortlisted one. pretty nice! but it is basically useless. no camera, no mp3, no radio. but i do quite like the idea of a phone being just a phone. the camera function of my phone's practically unused since the first few months i got it.

lookie.. the nokia 6060, or the useless bimbo!
















only gripe that it is pretty thick, at 24mm. but it is necessary to go without camera since i am getting into ns next year.

















i also want an mp3 player, a new guitar, the route 66, more cds, books a new job, and a girlfriend. if you have any of the above to offer, please do contact me. more than one article is definitely welcomed, especially girlfriend(s). however, for the girlfriend(s) role, only suitable candidates may apply, i.e. you MUST be female.

i also want to play in more worship sessions. grrrrrrrrrr.