interviews

so booked out at 7am this morning, came home, went to town for my smu interview, to boon lay for my ntu interview and then to toa payoh for rehearsal, and then to town again for dinner, and it's back to near home for supper.

makes me a hella tired booked-out soldier.

anyways, interviews were ok. smu should be pretty much in the bag, but as for the ntu spot, i hear they only take in 20% of the shortlisted applicants. interview was ok, but the written test was screwed, mainly because i know nuts about the world. for example, i didn't even know the PM of malaysia was no longer mahatir mohamad or family. i don't want to miss out on going to SCI because of such a stupid reason. but after being there for the tour and all today, i really want to be there. please pray for me ppl.

talked to two good friends today, individually at different times. realized two things. one, honestly i am sad over it. two, NS is actually a great learning experience. the two friends are not related, neither are the two points. but it is funny that both of them so happens to be marists/ well, that is the third realization.


Here we go again
Ashamed of bein' broken in
We're gettin' off track
I wanna get you back again
I want you to trouble me
I wanted you to linger
I want you to agree with me
I want so much so bad

be my savior, and i'll be your downfall..

a reply

was telling a friend about how i've decided not to be sad about my state in BGR, and she asked this question.. "how do you not be sad?" so i'll answer this here, so read on friend-in-question!

admittedly, humanly, i am in a totally lousy state in this affairs of bgr, which i will not elaborate on in here for consideration of privacy. but this much i will let go, it is unrequited love, and it is one which i cannot get over despite trying to for quite some time. ok no more details! don't ask!


so how do you not be sad when someone you are absolutely crazy over, whom you want to spend the rest of your life with does not feel the same way about you? to be a bit more scientifically, let me break it down.

1. you are madly in love with this person.
2. you want him/her in your life so much, that you think you'd give anything for it.
3. life with anybody else would be unimaginable.
4. the other party simply does not feel the same way about you!

and the implication is, you will not get what you want, because love is a two-way affair, which no amount of excess passion from one side can make up for the lack of it from the other. and love is such a big thing. it is hard-wired in us to find contentment in our eves/adams. it is kind of like not getting the thing you want the most. not having the thing that matters to you most.

ok, i am getting off topic trying to create the context. the question is, how do you not be sad?

firstly, it'd be through the gift of faith God has given us. simply, know. note that it is know, not believe, or trust or have faith or whatever. it is know. know that there is a God who holds everything you are in His hands. a God who will provide for each meticulous area if you let Him. know that He loves you, and in this matter of companionship He only wants the best for you. no second best, nothing second rate. what you think is best for you, or what you see as "no other way" may simply not be the best that you can have. the right time, the right person. the One who controls everything wants that for you, so know that.

next, analyze the situation. look at what you have in your life. friend-in-question, you are standing at a great position right now, having a chance to go into uni education, which is a previlige not all has. you also have a great circle of friends, and you're blessed with a beautifully complexed mind that will allow you to see so much of the world no one else sees. your gift will bring you places in life. in some philosophers' theory about life, we are all living in a cave, and there are those who can see the light at the opening of the cave, and there are those who cannot. those who can describe this light to those who cannot, and those who cannot are dependent on these ppl who inteprete the light. you are one of those who sees the light, one of those who can interprete. well to be not case specific, everyone else, count your blessings. how much more do you have in life going for you?

there are so many things that are good in life. so many more things that are pleasant. it is simply not worth it to give up a shot at all that is good in life just because you are sad over a girl/guy. for one, being sad does not get you any closer to getting her/him. second, you are missing out on too much! for all the gifts God has given you with, don't give it up because of one thing He has denied. Know He'll bring it to you in perfect time. and He has provided perfectly for you at this time.

and think about Him, who has relentlessly pursued you since creation. like a lover bringing beautiful flowers to his lover, He has brought us great beauty in His courtship of us as well. look at the stars that freckles the night sky, or feel the way the rain falls. listen to how the wind ruffles the leaves of trees, smell the beauty of exotic spices. all this, He has created in His courtship of you. and most importantly, think about the scars in His hands, and remember the extent of His love. He loved you so greatly that He died for you. and each stripe upon His back, He bore for you. for you. He was pierced for your transgressions, and by His stripes you were healed. how much did that cost, how much is that worth! why not take moments to busk in His love for you, instead of pursuing a lesser love from a lesser someone else?

how not to be sad? simply take your place in this romance story. this romance story of beauty and eternity. this God romance. and all else will come. He holds your love story in His hands. know that.

Blind - Lifehouse

Each of us has sob stories to live. Sometimes, you just look at how things are in another person's life, and wonder how is it fair for life to be like that for him/her, or for yourself. That is our portion, our part to bear.

But of course, i do not believe in a sadistic God. the God figure in my mind is one who is pursuing a love relationship with us, and we often see Him in a wrong light, like we often do when we jilt a lover.

i am a bit confused as to what i'm talking about. bookout's ending soon. and i am quite sore about something. just one moment, maybe?

ahhh, i miss being a civilian. i don't want to be a soldier. i want to be free from authority. i want to be in love with someone who loves me. i want to be able to think again. i want to make music. i want everything i will be having. :)



I was young but I wasn't naive
I watched helpless
As you turn around to leave
And still I have the pain
I have to carryA past so deep
That even you could not bury if you tried

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

I would fall asleep
Only in hopes of dreaming
That everything
Would be like it was before
But nights like this
It seems are slowly fleeting
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor

After all this time
I never thought we'd be here
Never thought we'd be here
When my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Then you will ever know
And part of me died
When I let you go

After all this why
Would you ever want to leave
Maybe you could not believe it
That my love for you was blind
But I couldn't make you see it
Couldn't make you see it
That I loved you more
Then you will ever know

And part of me died
When I let you go
That I loved you more
Then you will ever know

And part of me died
When I let you go

shiokness

shiokness is...

..when your ears are serenaded by music again after a week without it, and you are reminded of the solace that it brings.

..when you have a great dad who comes to pick you up when you book out. comfort of the car, and warmth from knowing someone cares.

..when you have a friend to talk to outside of camp, be it on the phone or by messages. it just feels good that you are not forgotten, and ppl out there are willing to fork out that few seconds for you.

..when you get to serve your NS in t-shirts and shorts almost everyday, and sometimes wearing even less.

..when you get to go home and can sit and behave any-oh-how without worrying someone will jump on your back and chew your head off.

..when the cookhouse messed up and forget to prepare dinner on your bookout day, because consequently, you won't have to stay in for nightsnack, and therefore, get to book out about three hours earlier. :D


horror is...

getting home, taking off your shirt and discovering that you are growing boobs!

Theme song

so here we go! 9 hours and 59 minutes till i get in, and i am feeling quite a nervous wreck now. i'll be fine!

and i'll just leave this song here, it'll be my theme song for the next two years. probably no updates for a while, so meanwhile read hard ppl. i've updated quite a lot the past few days, so go through them slowly!


Thank You Lord

Yes, Thank You Lord
For the trials that come my way
In that way I can grow each day
As I let You lead
And I thank You Lord
For the patience those trials bring
In that process of growing
I can learn to care

But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come
My human nature shouts the thing to do
And God’s soft prompting
Can be easily ignored

But I thank You Lord
With each trial I feel inside
That You’re there to help, lead and guide
My way from wrong
Cause you promise Lord
That with every testing
That Your way of escaping
Is easier to bear

But it goes against the way I am
To put my human nature down
And let the Spirit take control of all I do
Cause when those trials come
My human nature shouts the thing to do
And God’s soft prompting
Can be easily ignored

Yes, I thank You Lord
For the victory that growing brings
In surrender of everything
Life is so worthwhile
And I thank You Lord
That when everything’s put in place
Out in front i can see Your face
And its there You belong

shout-outs!

so, i failed my pilot interview today. for a variety of stupid reasons.

1. the interview timing was changed from 8.30 to 8.00
and the afrc ppl couldn't get in touch with me yesterday. apparently, they didn't communicate THAT with the interviewers, well who would ever point their fingers at themselves. so when i called back after 6pm yesterday, the phone line was off already. anyhows, i explained why i was late to the interviewer. and at the end of the interviewer the colonel gave me a disapproving face and told me that though punctuality was important, i did not have to make up reasons to explain why i am late. great.

2. i bullshitted the interviewers
when i asked why i wanted to join the airforce, i said a passion for flying, and the attractive university-pilot scheme. so they asked me questions about aircrafts, like what aircrafts do i know of and all. how the hell would i know. now ppl, never ever lie to your interviewers when it is something important. sure i got jobs this way before, but it is unethical and stupid. especially in the saf where the colonel was probably a scholar, and obviously aint stupid. to this, he said i should be committed to pursuing my interests & passion. well, that is something i really got from the interview. through out the entire journey back, was just thinking what have i been doing the past 18 years. i'm blessed in a sense that when i put in some effort, i usually get to reap great results. but i never maximize that potential and was just contented with whatever i got. can't be like that anymore. if i want it, i must fight tooth and nail for it. too many things i gave up in the past, like judo. like leading in the boys' brigade. i had a fair amount of success when i was it, but i just never followed through.

3. seriously, i never considered joining the airforce until they invited me to the interview.



ok, tonight will be my last night as a civilian. but why the distinction between civilian and soldier? at the end of it, i am still 100% human. whatever indignity i face, it doesn't change the fact that i am God's loved creation. new phase of life starts tmr.. i guess it is a good time to finally start being serious about my life, and seizing whatever opportunities i get. no more mucking around with my life man. i am getting old.

what gets me down most is the people i will miss when i'm in there. here's a thank you to the great ppl who has made a difference in my life.



stones: great fun with you guys always, thanks for being there to make me laugh and to crap around with. you guys are the ppl i grew up with, and we'll be brothers forever eh? but please stop being so mean to others within the group, and treating their lives as a joke. learn to respect even the suaning targets yeah? keep close to God you guys.


t19: had a great jc life because of you guys. (you all can take all the credit since i never went for my cca trainings. haha.) through the next few years, we'll all be going places eh? keep the crazy and never stop having fun. 2 crazy years, and lotsa struggles with studies and all, but most importantly, lots of crap.


walter: going in same time eh? i still claim that i am not gay, but i'll go brokebacking with you if you want. haha. thanks for being such a great friend to me through jc, it must have been God's plan to put us in there together. learnt a lot from you, and had a great friendship with you. thanks for being there for me man.

eric: emo despo 1! loved all the crazy debates we have, where seriously, i forget what the hell i got started about. again, you're a great friend. thanks for the listening ear, the time and everything. it's great to know someone cares. dude, you know what? YOU JUST WAIT AND SEE!

lydia: emo despo 2! i think you are the least emo and despo of us lot. you're one of the nicest ppl i know, despite being very successful. thanks for putting up with my whinings sometimes, and for all the fun, ice cream, house-sighting and whatever else funny stuff we did. most importantly, thanks for being there for me. you're always fun to be around, and also always comforting when needed. yes, i'll miss you!

amelia: i think i owe half my results to you. thanks for teaching me physics and all when i was younger, and inviting me to the nus library to study. i have never studied that hard before! i'm very inspired by the way you lead your life, standing strong for God. shows me that christians who sticks close to God aren't boring, they are lovely. (somehow, you still are absolutely crazy and fun.) and thanks for still being such a great friend to me though i've probably pissed you off a thousand times. thanks for all the laughter and fun we've had. now, watch your step and don't fall! :p

shiying: hey, thanks for always lending me a listening ear online and scolding me for being an eeyore. :D you're one unique person i must say, angsty and sweet all at the same time. you're great to talk to, really. sorry that i always take ages to reply, but don't stop talking to me ok! haha take care and stop skipping school.


and everybody else who didnt fit into the above categories and i didn't mention you by name: i deem one of the greatest blessings in my life as the ppl God has surrounded me with. indeed, what have i ever done to deserve such a unique set of friends, in church and out. ppl who are amazingly concerned about me, ppl who are so very fun to be with. and ppl like ho kit and leon who probably doesnt read here, and all those i haven't been in touch with a long time, i really miss you guys. :)

2 more days

well, actually one since today is over. wild wild wet, which was ok, bad because the park was too small. and thanks steven for dinner today, which was fantastic. :)

and what i really need to do now is get some sleep. i'm really worn out from the activities these two weeks, and from some undue worrying. have an important interview tmr morning, but even right now i am missing an important document. i still hope i'll do ok anyways. God be with me. i'll be fine.

i wish i had the energy or time to write everyone something. damn, it's not the end of my life. i'll just try to be extra nice to u all on my bookouts.

goodbye babies. God loves you, and i do too even though i won't be around much no more. but God is. :) (i am just a msg away also.)

naive

i guess it was just naive of me to expect ppl to treat me better when i am just facing something major in my life. after all, lately most humans i've seen have a stronger resemblance to vultures than the globets of love i expected them to be.

and why am i even worth being nice to? i've not been exceptionally nice to people. nopes, i haven't done it and made you seen it at least. but thank God for all those who are still nice to me despite me being such a kid lately. thank you for bearing with me friends. thank you for not giving up on me. shout outs to lydia, eric, amelia, an fu, jx who went through my nonsense and didn't lose patience with me(well not totally anyways). also to rachel and even chloe(gasp! for invading the african tribe with me, haha.) who are being unusually saccharine sweet.

and the guys from stones, i guess with the exception of an fu and addie, you don't know how it feels like. yes it feels horrible most of the time. maybe when you get to this stage you'll understand, but for now just keep laughing eh? don't have to go smell the shit too soon.

and any unlucky ladies who may be reading this, this is the period when those silly guys will be showering you with unnecessary affection. don't need to pity us lah, just try to understand yeah? it is not easy to face losing your freedom for the next two years, and being able to only helplessly watch as ppl's love life and social life continue to progress out here. at least standing at the beginning, it is tough to face. girls are lucky to have to not go to through this. but i guess by merit of nature, they deserve this.

thanks a lot all you friends. i buy you candy next time. :)


Stones taught me to fly
Love, it taught me to cry
So come on courage
Teach me to be shy
'Cause it's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna scare her
It's not hard to fall
And I don't wanna lose
It's not hard to grow
When you know that you just don't know


it's not hard to fall... when you float like a cannonball.

PISSED

i just typed a long and vulgar entry. but i deleted it all. to sum it up, let's just say i am pissed, and i regret being open about my life. i'm sorry i'm pissing ppl off by being this way, but i am not having it good myself.

and this is an addon from a third review. i don't like this one bit, but i am gonna just bite the bullet and do what's right in God's eyes, for the glory of God.



Father please forgive me
for I cannot compose
the fear that lives within me
or the rate at which it grows
If a struggle has a purpose
on the narrow road you've carved
why do I dread my trespasses
will leave a deadly scar?