guidance

i seriously wish there was someone whom i can tell all my life to, who would tell me what to do in tricky situations and help guide my life.

of course such a person must love me unconditionally, and want only the best for me, not fearing that one day i'll outdo him/her.

it'd be best that this person is concerned enough to take care of my well-being too.


being a first generation christian is tough, it is a bit like losing your parents, because the values they hold on to are not what you should be aligning yourself to as a christian. and it is sad, because parents are the only ppl who will love you unconditionally. there is no one else in the world whom you can unskeptically entrust your life to.

i think it is time i stepped out and declare that i cannot draw my moral compass myself. i need a mentor. but not just anyone, i only want one that God sends. preferably a worship minister and is hip and cool too. haha. i'll wait.. :)

back from field camp

5 days living in the forest. (now at this point the boys in tekong would probably start complaining about their 7.) the funny thing is field camp wasn't quite as tough as the normal training we get in camp, at least not in the physical aspect. of course, that is not to say doing push ups in full battle order - can barely walk properly in it. but much of it is lessons and practicing those silly drills. down point is how bloody dirty it is. didnt shower or brush for the entire 5 days.

if you ask me, i probably think that mandai forest is worse than tekong. because there are no taps in there at all. for 5 days, i saw no toilet or tap or granite road. it is just a bloody forest with trails and roads with cement poured on here and there. the only building there are a few lousy training sheds with no fans. if u want any power at all, bring along your own generator.

slept in a basha, and on the first day it rained so heavily that the groundsheet was soaked through. somebody remind the manufacturers groundsheets are best made waterproofed. so slept in a puddle already on the first day. cant remember much about the second and third day, just that it was dry days so the sleep wasnt so bad. but on the second day saw one of those huge centipedes army boys will always encounter. brought it out of the basha and chang-koled it to pieces. hahahaa. it was satisfying to be king over that beastly creature. subsequently, hated sleeping in that basha so much that on 4th night, volunteered to do "sentry", where we slept on the road. surprisingly it was the best night i had the entire camp. sleeping under the stars with my sleeves rolled up and buttons half done. hazardous no less, in the forest where creepy crawlies are abound. but i just decided to risk pain for pleasure.

best thing in field camp was probably getting to know my mates better. it is in situations like this you'll see who really have what it takes to step out to be a leader, who'll be a friend to you even if it means sacrifuce, and who are the self-serving conniving ppl. i guess in uncivilised living, u get to see a new facet of one's character. a more real view perhaps, when they can no longer put on character camouflage. glad to know i have buddies whom i can trust to fight a war alongside with, and left utterly disappointed by some.

and the stars of the nightsky. they were such a beautiful sight.

been thinking about my life a lot since i enlisted. i guess living a controlled life right now is a good time for some reflection. a good time to really stare down at the man in the mirror. i hope that all these thinking will make me a better man. don't want to end up depressed and all like back in the days i used to think a lot. it is a revert to an old self now i guess. maybe a better old self.

how i love the you move, and the sparkle in your eyes,
There's a color deep inside them, like blue suburban skys.



it hurts a bit to think that we are travelling in straight lines and our point of contact has been made and broken. oh what i'll give to renavigate. or to be allowed to.

prideful and downtrodden

just hopped off eric's blog. haha. yeah emo despo best buds eh. but anyways, i was thinking about doing a thank you to the two of them when i was on my way home.

eric: hey, thanks for the book! a gift really warms the heart. not just because of the value of the book, or to what extent it will minister, but just for the effort and sacrifice you're willing to take, i am already thankful enough. deeply appreciated! :)

lydia: i'm really thankful that you came down to rehearsal to help out. thank you and thank God cause i wouldn't know how i could have possibly done it if you weren't around. i know nuts about the vocals and keyboard. yeah, i wanted to tell you they sounded pretty good this morning. :)


the pain is back. the torment which i feel when i try to get close to God and cannot find joy. today's worship was painful for me on a personal level. i just couldnt make sense of anything. there were chains holding me back and as hard as i prayed, i couldn't feel relieve. i can't help but feel cheated, betrayed, unworthy. God, i look to You. please give me strength to.

i just want to live happy. i think when i get back to camp, i'll just strive so hard in training, push so hard and hope that i'll drop dead. it is too boring just getting by. ahhh, my life seems so meaningless now. but thank God for blessing me with great friends.

i can no longer think or write coherently.

sick to the bones

honestly, i am sick to the bones and have been sick in camp all week. lucky it wasn't a very physical week or i would have just dropped dead mid-run. it is not just the inflammation of my throat, the feverish feeling or the tons of phlegm in my system. i feel sick in my soul too.

have been observing other ppl's negative traits, and seeing what really irks me off. now, it is not for me to judge others, and i don't really do. but what makes me sick is realizing that these negative traits are actually reflected in me, some stronger and some weaker. remove the plank in your eye before commenting on the splinter in your brother's.

celebrated an fu's birthday yesterday. glad to see him having a good birthday and being happy and all. but seeing my friends with so many problems aint so good. but hey, life may be a pile of shit but if we stand strong together, we will make it through good.


half a gramme of soma for an instant holiday.

good week

it was a good week because,

1. i think we didnt hit the magic 200 number for push ups on thursday and friday. probably just tipped 100, maybe less.

2. the chicken drumstick was ROTTEN! honestly, when instructor jason said that, i nearly laughed out loud. this is the scenario: we just came back from imt and after getting off the bus, was dropped. while holding the pushup position, he went on and on about how we left a pack of ration in the ration pack last week, in a normal tone. then his last words.. '..and the chicken drumstick, WAS ROTTEN!" he made it sound as if he was pissed because the drumstick was rotten. of course had to do some pt cause of that, but i was giggling to myself while running to the famed fence and doing flutter kicks.

3. went with my bmt mates to see some japanese cosplay thing, where normal ppl who are probably a bit deranged dress up as anime characters. got the shock of my life went i saw, one, two, three CJ girls dressed as various anime characters. it was disturbing alright. but hella funny to see them behaving like some cutesy cartoon character. haha.

4. i finally found the john mayer trio cd, and also got a maroon 5 acoustic album.

5. i have nothing to worry about.

feet

His feet was cut up and sliced by pieces of broken glass.

Look, look what I'm standing on - look at them - they're sliced up and useless, and they are what i am standing on- and everything is built on nothing- and I'm crap at what i do, so fuck off and leave me here.

i wish i could write like that.

blessed

got two offers for an uni place! one for fass at nus, and the other for comm studies at ntu. i'll probably be going for comm studies. been praying really hard to get it, and thank God that i've gotten it when i thought i've blown my chances. i'll still pray about which direction to go though the door has opened. will only confirm my place next bookout, so if you have any outstanding concerns, please raise them fast!

pros of going to mass com would be going to something i'm interested in, and it is quite a previlige, considering it is a tough school to get in, with only an intake of 180 a year. also, i want to head towards a career in the media industry, probably as a journalist, if not, advertising.

a considerable con would be the distance ntu is from home. probably would have to stay in the hostel, and the effect of such a move isn't purely geographical. being so far away would be like being in ns for another 4 years, staying away from the comforts of home and being far from my current group of friends. i don't know if my friendships will stay strong if i have to travel an hour to meet them everytime. and serving much in church would also be an issue the same way.


anyhows, i do feel very blessed for God answering my prayers, for early bookout and my studies. by right, i should be ecstatic. by left, i'm not. don't get me wrong, i am very very grateful. just that there are still some issues that hinder my happiness. argh. God, help me get over this or just give it to me. just grant me the strength to accept Your will.


by the way, red hot chilli peppers are really good. borrowed the slane castle dvd and hyde park cd from marcus. they are amazing live i say.