homebound

i need some consolation and reasons to believe that choosing to stay in singapore over a 5 1/2 week trip to perth was a good decision. well, here goes:

1. it'd have been a lot of trouble if i chose to go. i'd have to go back on my word that i'll go for the course and i'll need to get someone to replace me for the course as well.

2. it's gonna be a busy period in church, and whatever ministries/project that i'm working on might suffer because of the long absence. especially the redevelopment.

3. if i had gone, i'll be spending my birthday in perth, away from all my friends and loved ones. (this may not be such a good reason, perth seems exciting.)

4. i'd come back really broke, and fulfill everyone's nightmare of serving NS and coming out with an impossibly pathetic financial status. which really means, ORD with no money at all.

5. i'm gonna disrupt my already very disrupted driving lessons and never get my license ever.


well, for your info, none of the above worked. see if you can hit me with a better reason, sigh.

or was i just stupid?

happily broke

i'm somewhat happy today, despite having a spoilt mp3 player and having my off day tmr being postponed because there aren't enough people in camp.

i need to look for a new mp3 player, and the zen vision:w looked pretty good, till i saw the physical specs.. it's an ogre. i think i might just get an ipod then. it's actually cheaper, but that'll have to wait. i'm in pretty bad financial shape this month, what more with ymlc coming just before pay day. it's a little tempting to dig into my savings, but i just have to say i won't.

it feels strange not having any music to listen to, to and fro work. especially early in the morning during my walk to the train station. i guess i'm happy, cause i usually would have cursed at not having the providence to get a new mp3 player right after my antique one broke down, i was more inclined to smile and hold fast to faith that God will provide.

this is quite a senseless post. i just needed to say i'm happy and thank you to everyone who bothers to care. :)

all i've got to say, is i really really hate this. the situation i am in, the hopeless faux optimism, and the desperation to make someone understand. in these moments i really wish i never happened.

losing wisdom.

my cheeks are so swollen, that i suspect i'd get stretch marks when the swelling goes down. i'm beginning to suspect if the dentist stitched me up properly, because it is so horribly swollen on one side that i cannot even close my mouth.

that aside, undergoing anesthesia was really fun. you just breathe, and you feel like you're drifting away from your body. strangely, just before drifting into unconsciousness i could feel every single injury/pain in my body that i'm carrying, like my left wrist, and the needle they put into me for drip. if i could, i'd want to be under anesthesia until the swelling goes down. it is such a pleasant way to past time.

oh, how much would i give to chew on piece of tough, rubbery steak right now. eating porridge and milkshakes and my own blood is just so disgustingly.. disgusting. so, on the other hand, if anybody has any good recipes for milkshakes or ice-blended stuff, do share them with me. just not it let it include raisins or nuts, please. i had such an agonizing time spitting out the raisins from a milkshake my mum made today because i cannot chew AT ALL!

and i'm just spending my time, trying to make time pass faster. sadly, i can't get down to any real constructive work, because i feel too pathetic and i look like a chipmunk, and everybody knows chipmunks don't work. (or work very slowly if you're a t-19er. ;)

and it is probably my biggest regret in this whole surgery that i left the whole bag of my wisdom teeth by the hospital bed in my haste to leave. yes, that bag of bloody smelly teeth half wrapped in gums and dental meat. it probably would have fetched a tidy sum from the tooth fairy, or i could just give it away to people for their birthdays and tell them it is the teeth of some ancient buddha and have a whole temple erected for my teeth, hehe.

blue eyes blue

geee. i feel like watching runaway bride cause of this song. if anybody has a dvd/vcd of that, kindly let me know ok?

I thought that I'd be all you need
In your eyes I thought I saw my heaven
And now my heavens gone away
And I'm out in the cold

so... blue. haha.

you are not good enough for me to change who i am.

it is one thing to say something with conviction, and another to live it. the gulf between which, is only as wide as you define it.

i wish i could cross that gulf. but even if i define it to a one-millimeter gulf, i doubt i can cross it.

because i don't really want to be on the other side.

bring me euphoria

i was just thinking again.. if only we could have a little something that makes us feel better just by application. something to induce euphoria in us. wouldn't it be nice?

imagine, just a pill or a jab and it could take all that bothers you away. no more stressing over your everyday struggles, or dealing with rejection. wouldn't it be nice?

but the downside is, there is nothing that can do this for you. drugs and alcohol might bring you momentarily escape, but instead of being liberating, it ensnares you. now, that wouldn't be nice.

ah, i keep coming back to this thought. something must be wrong. this and the imaginary paradise are my secret mindscapes. mindfield. minefields. DOH.