what do i want?

you know, a few weeks ago, someone asked me if i knew what i wanted in life.

i've been thinking about it before the question was posed, and i'm thinking about it now.

it's not a bad topic to think about, since the authority in this question happens to be myself.

and i suppose it wouldn't be unfair to say that i can't be wrong then.

the real problem then, lies in the fact that i am no closer to the answer than i was when i first started thinking.

we all have hopes, ambitions, dreams. many of us probably grew up wanting to be something, and you probably are already making your first steps towards it. you might want to develop a certain character trait, to be loving for example. or to be like someone, or to be in a certain career or position.

i wonder how it must feel to have an end to work towards.

for people like you, life might be a little less complicated. you know what you want, and building what you need would be like laying bricks together. put a bit of ambition here, a good degree there, some wild exotic classes here and glue it all together with the love of a beautiful spouse. i'm not saying that your bricks are any less heavy, but i do envy the fact that you know what you want.

all i have are shambles from the debris i have collected in the past. shards here and there put together to build a pretend house. pretending to be just like everyone else, fearful to knock down my silly little structure, afraid because that is all i have.

God, won't you show me how things work around here?

friday

well, so here we are it's friday again!

this week was better than the last, no tests, no assignments due.

and i found out janie's got a gun!

and judging by the harbinger of scarlet stasis, i concede that i should obey. whether green motion follows depends on amber and crimson changes.

what'll keep you going?

wow, i have not been in here for a while.

it's been a crazily hectic week.. the whole of last weekend was taken up by my basic media writing assignment(which i suspect i might not do too well in) and had a term paper on thurs. just a presentation tomorrow and that marks the end of my crazy week.

all in all, uni has been pretty good. i pretty much like the subjects i'm doing, though i'd definitely be happier with more friends. hall's ok too, as much i hate to admit it, i miss being home sometimes.

my mind hasn't been working for quite a while and i do feel quite inadequate in terms of mental finesse. but the best thing, standing at this point of my education is knowing that avenues are opening up before me, and the stressful part is avenues takes effort to walk up.

amidst all the busy-ness, trying to get educated, trying to make friends, i am really trying to find God. God of every season, God of every emotion, God of all situations, honestly there are times i look at You and wonder if i am missing the point.

and there are times i catch myself thinking you are beautiful, and then i try to negate it. will i only be contented and accepting when you are as flawed as i am?