what do i want?

you know, a few weeks ago, someone asked me if i knew what i wanted in life.

i've been thinking about it before the question was posed, and i'm thinking about it now.

it's not a bad topic to think about, since the authority in this question happens to be myself.

and i suppose it wouldn't be unfair to say that i can't be wrong then.

the real problem then, lies in the fact that i am no closer to the answer than i was when i first started thinking.

we all have hopes, ambitions, dreams. many of us probably grew up wanting to be something, and you probably are already making your first steps towards it. you might want to develop a certain character trait, to be loving for example. or to be like someone, or to be in a certain career or position.

i wonder how it must feel to have an end to work towards.

for people like you, life might be a little less complicated. you know what you want, and building what you need would be like laying bricks together. put a bit of ambition here, a good degree there, some wild exotic classes here and glue it all together with the love of a beautiful spouse. i'm not saying that your bricks are any less heavy, but i do envy the fact that you know what you want.

all i have are shambles from the debris i have collected in the past. shards here and there put together to build a pretend house. pretending to be just like everyone else, fearful to knock down my silly little structure, afraid because that is all i have.

God, won't you show me how things work around here?