soft spot

today i felt like a jerk.

first it was something i did, not with bad intentions but it seems like it turned out quite bad for somebody. made me feel like a selfish jerk.

then for the second time in my short career in promoting, somebody bought something from me because she felt obliged to buy because i gave good service. i hate that. you are spending like a hundred bucks just because you feel bad? that is not cool. sure, i get a few dollars commission, but hey, its a hundred bucks on your side, a few on mine. and i dont even intend to collect the freaking commission anyway. and i really hate to think that these nice people would look me through that kind of eyes, like the few dollars would mean a lot to me. can't they see i rather have made a human happy than earn that bit of money? made me feel like a sweet talking bastard.

and throughout work, i was thinking about how i had a stupid tender soft spot. and how hard i try to cover it up, it just gets exposed over and over again by someone whom i tried so hard to guard against. i am just another lousy wimp.

and pathetically i seem to hate myself yet sympathize myself.


now, do i suck or what.


no, i am living in a blessed assurance. :)