holy hands.

worship was very personal for me today. lots of doubt, insufficiency and pain were healed through the words of songs, and of course, God's spirit which was in that place.

recently, i've been thinking about holiness. i know the way i lead my life aint filthy, but it is far from holy too. i don't do theft, drugs, pornography and all, but it is the little sins everyday that kills me so. like cursing the stupid people who always bump into me in crowded places, or secretly despising others, or joining in gossips about others, or this, or that. there are so many things that seem so little and insignificant, but it is really what separates those who are really living for God, and those who are not. loving God and others like Jesus loves us.

neither can i say i have been living a God-centred live. this is my first public admission that since after my A's, i have not been putting God on the top spot in my priority list. i know it is very disappointing if any of my leaders come and read this, since being in the positioni am, there are certain expectations. but this is true. yes, koon used to say in cg and all that the first priority in his life is God, but for the past few months hasnt been so. first it was the A's. then it was something else. then it was work. that's the cold hard truth. i've fallen, and am in a pretty bad shape. are there any other hands to raise?

and so i thought about holiness. i've been living a lie, pretending to be somebody, trying to fill a persona, trying to be strong and cheery, when in fact, i've been so broken inside for a very long time, and my life's compass has gone awry. and more recently, i've been plagued by a sense of uselessness, so bad that sometimes i don't even feel good enough to go on stage to serve, or that anything i do matters. am i just a filthy piece of shit, in a filthy toilet bowl, living my filthy existence? or are my hands still holy to be used by God?

in one of the songs today, i found the answer.


this land is holy because God is here.

and that is all to it. no matter how screwed up we are, we are holy, if God is in our lives.
no matter how unworthy you may feel, your hands are holy, if they are hands surrendered to God's use.

with everything said in the first half of this entry, i shall just make my point with a mere four words.

He died for this.







12 stones - stay

I walk to the edge again, searching for the truth
Taken by the memories of all that I've been through
If I could hear your voice I know that I would be okay
I know that I've been wrong but I'm begging you to stay
Won't you stay?

I wish that I could turn back time just to have one more chance
To be the man I need to be, I pray you'll understand
If I could hear your voice I know that I would be okay
I know that I've been wrong but I'm begging you to stay
Won't you stay?

Will you be here or will I be alone
Will I be scared, you'll teach me how to be strong
And if I fall down will you help me carry on
I cannot do this alone

I need your hand to help me make it through again
Nothing compares to how I feel when I look at you
You never know, you never know tomorrow
You never know, you never know tomorrow
Don't walk away

I am not alone I know you're there
I am not alone.