limits

booked out today. and thank God, passed my underwater knot tying today! i failed my first attempt because i couldn't stay calm enough. when i went under, my mind just blew. i forgot how to sink, how to fin, how to do anything, and honestly, i even forgot God. was much calmer for the second attempt, and i just pretty much trusted in God. it is surprisingly real, how lowly we put our God. u'd rather trust oxygen to sustain your life than to believe that your God will pull u through.

this week's theme.. "trust Him." from cho. told him i was worried about not being able to bookout in time for rehearsal on sat, and he told me these two words. and now i'm out on a friday night. was worried about my knot tying as well, and these two words came into mind again. well, thank God!

i guess people are not able to fully place their faith in God is largely due to 2 reasons.

1. They do not believe God is strong enough.
2. They do not believe God loves them enough to provide for what they need.

but God is strong enough, and He definitely loves you enough. believe in it. live with it.

my mind's too strained to think anymore. haha so goodbye people. oh yeah, i'm on block leave till wednesday! so please tell me if you're free in the times in between. :)


the faithless will fail.

help! ndu wants my life!

it looks like the handphone thing is going to go on for a while more. no handphones in camp indefinitely. ppl, when i cannot contact you, please don't forget me!

it was a pretty rocky week. had a first taste of diving without apparatus(my ear drums nearly burst when i tried), witnessed for the first time a person's cabinet being tornado-ed(made my cabin look like a warzone) and had all water evolutions cancelled because of the death of a comrade(now my pass out date will be extended. less money, more tekan.)

not having the phone means i have zero contact with the outside world, which does suck, but after further consideration, may not be such a bad thing. for one, it might bring my relationship with God to new heights. think about it, most of us are cultural christians.. our values are influenced by whom we are surrounded by, and thankfully most of us have got friends who are deeply rooted in the faith to keep you on the right track. but now that i have no phone, i have to learn to be independent. it's only God and me and the bible now. i'll need a stronger resolve to live as a christian, which means i'll be a stronger christian. but of course, there is the risk of me going the other way, and following the ways of the world. which i do not believe will happen, for i have a strong belief that God's romance is a relentless pursuit.

so in the midst of all these, i am smiling. thank God.

beret wearing recruit.

pop-ed!

"welcome to class 2. drop!"

so now it's on to combat diving course, time to really crack the tough nuts. 6 weeks of physical phase, 1 week of hell before i even get to dorn the diving gear. minimum number of push-ups upped to 50 diamonds, standards for booking out raised, tolerance for mistakes lowered.

past 2 evening was mostly parties.. first the graduation party at chevrons, then the singles night which is also our graduation celebration at momo. damn, i've been drinking too much. not that i worry about getting drunk, i haven't gotten drunk. it's how fat i'll probably grow.

i think i've learnt a lot from bmt. no, i am not referring to firing a gun or building bashas or all those shit. more of lessons in life.

there are many things that i treasure now that i didn't treasure 2 months ago, things like relationships with friends, and with my parents. there is so much responsibility i need to fulfil towards other people, especially my parents. i think i've also learnt to put up a brave front, which i don't know is good or bad, but surely pragmatic.

ahh, i am having a headache. will update properly next time. and ppl, please tag me! show some love.

blockleave. not.

had a "long" weekend.. booked out friday night. grateful? perhaps not.

while the rest of the bmt boys are having their block leave, i'll have to book in tonight. our syllabus is slightly longer than that of the tekong ppl, with an added basic naval knowledge component. i wonder why they couldnt just squeeze it in earlier so we could also finish bmt with the rest of them.

and while the rest of the bmt boys have reached a milestone in their ns life - POP, ours is so downplayed that it is of nof significance at all. for one, we'll just be having a simple ceremony, where even parents will not be invited and then we have to waste 4 hours at some probably sucky saf place for a cohesion.. that is a function where we supposedly go to socialize with each other. not as if we have not made friends through this 10 weeks of shit or it is very interesting to be partying with hundreds of guys. and they tell us bmt is nothing at all.

probably the only comfort i can give myself is by thinking that if i can stay in course and pass out, i'll be part of the elites. but how much of me wants that?

spent saturday at bb camp, which is supposed to be our cg oasis. was quite pissed over some stuff, but i guess i cant expect everyone to subscribe to my theology. the thing ended pretty good though, thank God.

then had church today and then went to kai's hse for steamboat. totally forgotten how to get there. oh wells, it was a lazy sunday afternoon but i'm glad for the company of friends.

have so much thinking going on in my head.. about bgr again. damn i will be silent. goodbye.

freedom calls

half the company was confined today. well, not a full confinement you may say, but most only can book out either at 1500 or 1800. on a saturday? tts hell.

and that is what i have been thinking about mostly today. so if u found me exceptionally moody at certain points at the beach, i'm sorry. i take my freedom seriously.

the bad news is just that soon i am likely to be one of those confined, but i will be praying and training hard to pick my ass out of the fire.

well, i cannot say too much because we are not supposed to say too much about our training to outside ppl, for security reason. we will get in trouble, as in go to military jail if found guilty. which makes me wonder, we are serving our country, for the good of our country, yet why are we treated as if we are potentially harmful bacteriaful shit? raises the question - does society exist to benefit the individual or is it the individual's function to be a productive part of society? wondering will be ceaseless, but let me tell you this, society will seek the best for itself and the individual will seek the best for itself too. every species is self-serving, that is why dogs and humans dont mate. wait, i'm rambling. damn.

lets live for a day and break all the rules.. legal, conventional, natural, fashion.. whatever. let's just do every stupid thing we can. heh.

and i love the way i am incredibly illogical. :D